How often do you hear others or yourself make these disparaging remarks:  “I never seem to be able to do this right.”  “I am always late.”  “I’m not a good listener.”  “I can never finish a project on time.”  These may be your espoused beliefs and they may or may not be your beliefs in use, but is that what you really want?  Beliefs, whether espoused or otherwise, create your attitude and your attitude is huge. It shows up before you and stays long after you have left.

If you’re stereotyping, you can hear it and I can assure you, others can hear it and will remember it and perhaps use it against you when you least expect it.  Successful people don’t say these things about themselves!  You may have heard these comments made about you by your family members while you were growing up but. . . . . .  does that mean that it still applies?  As human beings, we have the ability to change almost anything—certainly how we talk about ourselves.  What we say about ourselves are our beliefs, our expectations and these may not necessarily be so.  My parents always told me that I would be a science major so I set my course through school to do just that.  I think I have finally ended up where I need to be in my right brain being a writer and speaker.  However, I believed for the longest time what my parents told me and followed a course that was not true to me.  Beliefs and expectations can lead you down a dead end, make you miserable, upset you, and you don’t even know why.  Catch yourself whenever you or some else is stereotyping you.

So much goes on non-verbally during a business meeting that it would be difficult to talk about it all in one e-newsletter so let’s just talk about from the legs down in order to keep it simple. 

Usually and subconsciously, when we enter a business meeting or sales presentation, we sit and immediately cross our legs.  This is a defensive position and, yes, you’ll probably tell me that it’s just a comfortable way of sitting and you would be right. It’s comfortable because it comforts you when you are in those situations and so you have made a habit out of it. So, yes, it is comfortable for you, but what is it saying to the other person? 

Three things to consider: 

1.  A crossed leg is a defensive position and is perceived that way.
2. Your crossed leg points towards the person you like or away from the person you don’t like.
3. Your crossed leg points towards to the door to show the other person just where s/he can go.

Legs crossed at the ankles means that you are not really interested in being at the meeting.  When you put your feet/ankles crossed under your chair, you are non-verbally withdrawing from the meeting.

Intertwined (contortionist) legs show insecurity/timidity and is another withdrawal indication.  Many women sit like this and it is picked up as a defensive position.

Knees talk in a similar fashion as the feet. Your knee points to people you like or are interested in.  Ladies, keep this in mind if you like to sit with one leg tucked under you.  I sit like this all the time at home and my knee is usually pointed towards Jackie, the cat or Jackson, the dog.  It’s rarely pointed at the TV.

Shoes not only talk about the person’s dress code but also about their attitude. A loose shoe dangling on the toes is very relaxed. In any business encounter, keep your shoes on and if you must cross your legs, do not pump the crossed leg back and forth.

So what’s a person to do with legs, knees and shoes in a business meeting?  Keep your legs uncrossed, feet flat on the floor in the “A” position and keep your grooming standards up to par so when people see your shoes, there’s congruence with your attire and body language.

Based on work by Duncan and Fiske in the early 1970s, we know that there are “turn-taking” signals involved when speaking with another person or in a group. When a person is speaking and wants another to speak, their intonation changes. There is a rising or falling in voice tone at the end of the last phrase. The last syllable is drawn out, and a drop in voice pitch or tone when using a phrase such as “you know.”

There are also turn taking indicators such as eye gazing. When the speaker is ready to yield his/her turn, s/he will look at the other person to indicate to them to take the turn. Many times eye gazing indicates who will be the next speaker but another indication is also head turning. In some cases, head turning is a more obvious signal of who will speak next. When someone wants to speak, s/he will turn his or her whole head towards the speaker as an indication that they want a turn. To reject a turn, a person would look away or at another person—not the speaker. As a professional speaker, I have seen this time and time again. If I ask my audience a question and seek a response, I look towards different audience members. Those who don’t want to answer either look away from my gaze or look down.

Turn taking signals, which are a form of nonverbal communication, let people know when you want to talk and when you don’t. It tells others when you want them to talk and when you don’t. Using these signals can provide a smooth transition from one speaker to the next but sometimes, they don’t work because the other person is not aware of them. At times like this, sometimes you just have to jump in there and tell someone you have something to say or ask someone to speak.

Last year I saw a woman attend the company Christmas party and how she acted blew her chances for advancement in the company.
Unfortunately, she had a few too many drinks and got a little risqué. She approached the boss (his wife was present at the party) and made sexual remarks about seeing him after work. Needless to say, the entire atmosphere of the party went downhill from there. I felt like leaving but decided to stay to see what happened. Well, she continued on her downhill decline with a verbal and nonverbal message that left no question about what she wanted from the boss. Finally, one of her coworkers took her home.
When you attend a Christmas function this year, keep your wits about your and watch your verbal, and more importantly, your nonverbal communication.
Greet others with a hug (depending on the policies of your organization and what you feel comfortable with) or handshake. A handshake is best when dealing with higher status members of the organization.
Use eye contact to make the connection but look away and eliminate staring, particularly with higher status individuals.
Make certain you have a genuine smile. Refrain from touching another unless you have a relationship. If you don’t touch the boss at work, you don’t touch the boss at the party. The same holds true with the boss touching you.
Keep your distance — 2-4 feet is a good distance to stand from people you don’t really know or have a relationship with. 2-4 feet is the approximate distance of a handshake. When you get closer (12-18 inches), you may be perceived as invading someone’s personal space.
The Christmas party is not the time to complain to the boss or co-workers. Keep your verbal message upbeat and positive.
When you leave, leave gracefully. Shake hands; provide a positive verbal message and be grateful for this opportunity to interact with your co-workers. Nothing says thank you better than gratitude. And this is the season for gratitude and thankfulness.

DaVinci meets the iPad.
Information, back in the 15th and 16th century, was hoarded. However, with the printing of the Guttenberg Bible, everything changed. Sound familiar? History does repeat itself. We are going through a millenaissance of our own. With the advent of the internet, information is readily available to anyone who can connect. To further the spread of information, to connect with peers and mentors, Dave Bamberg, the artist who creates the cartoons for the TalleyToons, has registered the Millenaissance.com and is creating a web site for creative people to connect globally. This web site will provide a way for those interested in connecting with others of like interest, motivation and innovation to create synergy, new information and products or services. The web site will be focused towards the creative and innovative individual or group who desires to share their ideas and work with those in their global community. If you are interested in participating, expressing your creativity to the world, call Dave at 713-724-7519 or email him at dave@davidbamberg.com. Stay tuned for more information.

Have you ever been in some part of a communication with another person and then for some reason after you say something or they say something, you experience an odd feeling of disconnect?   It really does happen and there are some things you can do to prevent this from happening because of what you said and you can also then understand what’s happening with you because of what another might have said.  I call the following “missed-communications” because when any of things are done or said, it usually ends the conversation, you get into an argument or nothing is said but feelings are hurt.  I wish I could tell you that I am the perfect communicator and don’t participate in “missed-communications” but I have caught myself doing these at different times.  I don’t beat myself up, I try to be more observant, thoughtful and have more intention during the next conversation.

1.  Do you find yourself interrupting another’s conversation to ask for inconsequential things such as date, time, place, etc ?  When you do, you get into left brain stuff and away from the feelings/connection/observations of the other person which is right brain stuff.

2.  Do you give cliches, platitudes or other verses that cut the conversation off ?  “The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.”

3.  Do you ever change the subject completely?  Many of us do this to get out of an uncomfortable conversation.  Better to just say, “I’d like to talk about something different.”

4.  Do you ever shine the spotlight on you and away from the other person?  A comment as simple as, “Oh, my friend did that, too.” Or “I like to do it this way.”

5.  Do you ever analyze or judge another?  “I think Jack should stop complaining and get a job.”  That’s called gossip and it’s deadly for relationships

6.  Do you take away people’s feelings?  “You shouldn’t feel that way.  Everyone goes through this once in their career.”

7.  Do you stay present with the speaker or act bored?  Shuffling feet, looking anxious.

8.  Do you ever correct people’s grammar?

9.  Do you use words/language that other people can’t understand in order to make yourself feel important?  Note: I’m not talking about new generation words (bling-bling)!

10.  Do you rant/rave to someone who can do nothing about the situation?

All these can and do make dialogues uncomfortable and usually end them.  Stay away from these or monitor and correct yourself as you build better relationships through more effective dialogues.

Studies have been done on students and where they sit in the school room. When you are attending a seminar/workshop, speech, where do you sit? Students who sit in the front are enthusiastic and passionate about learning and usually have a visual learning style.  The enjoy reading and are more creative and imaginative than others. They enjoy being alone. Those who sit in the middle of the room have the greatest chance of absorbing the material and usually have an audio learning style. Those who sit in the back are less interested in learning, acquiring new skills and unhappy about being there. They don’t care about being popular or making good grades. These folks are less likely to become leaders and see little value in being with others.

As you can see, there are very different personalities at work here and research has shown that people with different personalities choose to sit in different locations when they are allowed to do so.

If you have your hands in your pockets and your thumbs are sticking out, you feel really good about yourself. In fact, in a group of people, you may feel the superior one of all present. Thumbs signal your attitude that says superiority, dominance, assertiveness. So if you are feeling “cool” you are probably feeling superior!

Men will often use exposed thumbs when they are around women they are attracted to because this is evolutionary nature. He wants her to see him as the best choice for a mate in order to maintain the species. Bet you never thought of that before but it is true!

At work, if you are the boss, watch when you expose your thumbs. If you are a staffer, better keep the thumbs under cover!

Is it ever a good idea to say negative things about a former manager or company during an interview?  I think not!  Even if the interviewer “seems” to think your former boss/manager is/was a jerk, don’t get sucked into his/her game. It could ruin the interview and the job opportunity for you.  People all have their games and judgments.  Don’t get caught up in other people’s judgments.  If you still need more convincing, here are 6 more reasons NOT to badmouth your former boss/manager:

1.  You never know how connected your old boss is to the grapevine.

2.  You never know what the relationship is between the person interviewing you and your old boss/manager.

3.  You appear non-professional.

4.  You cause people to begin to see your negative aspects before the honeymoon is over.

5.  You come off as a risk/loose canon before you even get on the job.

6.  The interviewer may want to “suck” you in to see how you communicate during difficult encounters.

Remember, never, ever (and this IS the only time I believe you should ever say NEVER!) badmouth your boss/manager/spouse/kids/ex-spouse.  It will catch up with you sooner or later.

There are numerous situations where you have a paid staff person working with a volunteer and either one or the other seems to be going insane!  (Keep in mind that you can replace the word “volunteers” with “temps” if you want to.)  One blames the other for not doing what they were “supposed to do” or had agreed to do.  How do you get people to do things when you don’t have any authority or power over them? Good question. Here are some ideas.

1.  First of all, they have to “want to do it” for themselves and not because you need it done.

2.  Create an atmosphere of respect.  It’s about having an environment where communication is open and direct.  No hidden messages here. Watch your body language at all times!  What you don’t say is always louder than what you do say!   Say what you mean and mean what you say! 

3.  Give the other person what s/her needs. So you give them praise and acknowledgements before they accomplish something rather than after the fact. Don’t get too “gooey” here!  Research shows that 3 positive acknowledgements to 1 negative directive/feedback is what most people respond best to.  This doesn’t guarantee that they’ll give you what you need and want but it’s a start.

          a.   Make volunteers feel welcome.  Don’t assume they know, can do anything! This is not to be condescending, it’s to be helpful, friendly and kind.  Small acts of kindness work wonders here! 

          b.  Don’t make demands.  Ask questions.

          c.  Make them feel comfortable.  Make the first move.  Move towards them vs. towards your own work.

          d.  Listen for what’s really going on with the volunteer.  Remember, what they aren’t saying speaks louder than what they are saying.

          e.  Make him/her right, even if they’re wrong because they’re right for where they are

right now.  You can always put in the correction later.

          f.  Don’t condescend, “Yea, we already tried that and it didn’t work.” That’s about you not them.  Focus on them.  “That’s an idea. How could you make it work?”

          g.  Acknowledge them.  Give them verbal acknowledgements and written ones. Send the

written ones home so his/her whole family can enjoy it.  Widens your circle of influence.

4.  Ask for what you need.  Remember, wants are optional, needs are not!

5.  Be direct.  Don’t assume anything.  Tell him/her what you need and when. 

          a.  Be specific (dates, times, etc)

          b.  Be positive and firm.

          c.  Be polite.